One month in China: A Rollercoaster of Emotions
A Rollercoaster of Emotions
I’ve officially been in China for 1 month and if I’m being honest, it’s been hard. When you move to a new country, you usually go through a few emotional stages. The first stage is almost always excitement and curiosity. You usually see everything as amazing and beautiful. Everything feels new and fascinating; you see the world through rose-colored glasses. It’s that spark of excitement that you get from exploring something different. A thrill of wonder from being in a new place.
However, since I’ve been in China, I haven’t felt that spark or that thrill as much as I expected to. I feel as though I skipped right over the excitement stage-or at least, it didn’t last as long as I thought it would. Yes, this city is beautiful and fascinating, but I don’t know….I’m just not vibin’ man. Instead, I slipped right into the second stage of moving abroad: isolation, or depression. It hit me quick too. To quote Labrinth in his song, “Never Felt So Alone”, I have never felt so alone.
The Struggle to Find Connection
My coworkers have all been welcoming and friendly, but I don’t think I could consider them friends. They’ve already built their lives here. Most are in long-term relationships, they have their routines, their close-knit circles. They love living in this country and their jobs. Meanwhile, I’m starting from scratch: new to the country, no friends, barely able to speak the language, and as of now, I don’t feel the same way about this country or this job. Which means I can’t talk shit with them. There’s a disconnect I can’t shake.
Once I realized that I probably won’t be making those close friends I’m looking for at work, I tried to meet people elsewhere. Little did I realize, meeting people naturally, especially when you’re new to the city, is incredibly difficult 😭. As far as I could tell, there weren’t any people around my age at work or around my neighborhood. Sooo….I downloaded a dating app in hopes of making friends. Spoiler alert: it ended in flames, just like every other time I’ve used a dating app. (Smh. More on that later though.)
One of the few things I’ve actually enjoyed about this new life in China is living alone. It’s very peaceful and freeing in some ways. Being able to sing at the top of lungs one minute and break down crying the next. No need to give anyone any explanations, plus I get to walk around naked. But all that freedom doesn’t erase the loneliness I feel throughout the day. I miss my friends back home. I miss having that connection where you can just be yourself—no need to navigate language barriers or feel judged. I miss having someone to go on spontaneous adventures with, to vent to over coffee, or to drunkenly dance with at a bar/club. Those silly little moments, like the long talks about how our love lives suck, just driving around, or going for froyo, are some of my favorite memories.
Teaching Challenges and Financial Stress
Another thing that’s made my first month in China tough is my job. I haven’t enjoyed teaching as much as I thought I would. The students are constantly talking, giving me attitude, and it’s been hard to get them to listen or pay attention. Aside from teaching, this job itself is not for me. This job isn’t anything like what I imagined it would be.
In case you aren’t aware, a lot of English teaching jobs in China are mainly looking for foreign teachers to improve their school’s reputation. Foreign teachers are a way to attract more students or to show off prestige. In most cases, they don’t really ‘teach’ students English. Rather they play games with them and are there to expose the students to a native English speaker. That is what I wanted. That’s what I expected to be doing here in China. It may not sound great on my part, but that’s what I wanted. It’s a gap year. I wanted an easy job that would pay me and allow me to travel.
However, that is very far from what I am actually doing. But I am going to save the details for another blog post (because there’s a lot.) For now, I just want to say that this job feels more like a corporate job than a teaching job. There’s several meetings, an online platform I need to use to contact the other teachers and schedule meetings with them, and several of my coworkers have to work late hours. There’s so much more I want to say about this miserable job, but I will save it for another day.
Then there’s the money situation. I haven’t been paid yet, and that’s been stressing me out a lot more. It took me six years to save up my money and I’ve been burning through my savings faster than I expected. Plus, since I’m not being paid a lot by U.S. standards, I’ll have absolutely nothing left for when I go back. The financial pressure has been weighing on me. It’s hard to relax or enjoy the experience when you’re constantly worrying about money. Especially since I also had big plans to travel more, but between not having enough money, not having enough time, or simply not having the energy after a long week of work, I haven’t been able to explore as much as I’d hoped. Honestly, I’m depressed and frustrated with my experience in China so far. I feel like I’m stuck in a dreadful routine when I came here hoping for adventure.
Internal Debate: Alone or With Others?
Because of my less than positive time here in China up until now, there’s been this ongoing debate in my mind lately. On one hand, I believe that you shouldn’t wait for other people to do the things that you want to do. Basically saying that if there’s something you want to do, then you should do it—even if you have to do it alone. Because if you waited for someone to join you, you might never get to experience that thing you wanted so badly. However, this doesn’t discount the joy of doing things with others, it simply emphasizes that you can have just as much, if not more, fun doing things alone.
On the other hand, there’s this undeniable truth: some experiences feel incomplete without someone to share them with. Sometimes places are just places, without people you care about to enjoy them with. Humans are social beings that crave connection. We enjoy being around others. As some person whose name I don’t know once said, “It’s not always the place that matters, but the person you’re with.” What makes a place special, and makes it a memory that you will remember, is the people you’re with. I’ve asked several people, “What’s your favorite memory?”, almost all of them told me about a memory that involved other people. Yes, doing things alone can be nice, but doing things with someone you care about and enjoy being around makes it into a memory you don’t forget. This debate running in my mind makes me wonder if this experience in China would feel different if I had someone to share it with.
What Comes Next?
So here I am, pondering my life choices. Part of me knows I need to make the most of this time, travel, practice my Chinese, learn about the culture, etc. Even if it means doing things alone. But the other part of me yearns for connection, for someone to laugh with and explore places with. For now, I’m just trying to take it day by day. Some days, I’ll sit with the loneliness and let myself miss the people I care about without forcing myself to pretend everything is fine. One of the great things about living alone is I can breakdown and cry whenever haha. Other days, I’ll force myself to go out and explore solo, knowing that if I stay home and wallow in my sadness for too long, it’ll lead to a downwards spiral. It’s a delicate balance that I’m still trying to figure out. But that’s the reality of moving to a new country, isn’t it? It’s not all adventure and excitement. Sometimes, it’s hard. Sometimes, you feel like you’re standing in a crowded city, yet utterly alone. And sometimes, you’re okay with that.
